Lesson 205: Gestalt Therapy: Reclaiming Wholeness Through Presence and Awareness

What Is Gestalt Therapy?

Gestalt Therapy, developed by Fritz Perls in the 1940s, is an experiential and humanistic approach to psychotherapy. It focuses on awareness, the present moment, and the integration of mind, body, and emotions. “Gestalt” is a German word meaning whole or complete shape, which reflects the core belief of this therapy: we are healthiest when all parts of our experience are acknowledged and integrated. Rooted in the idea that individuals are best understood as whole beings rather than fragmented parts, this therapy encourages self-awareness, personal responsibility, and present-moment focus.

Rather than focusing on interpreting the past or diagnosing issues, Gestalt Therapy encourages people to explore their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, body sensations, and perceptions as they emerge in the now.

How Gestalt Therapy Can Transform Lives

Gestalt therapy is particularly effective for those struggling with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and self-esteem challenges. By fostering self-awareness and emotional resilience, it empowers individuals to break free from limiting patterns and embrace their authentic selves.

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Why Gestalt Therapy Works: The Core Benefits

1. Increases Self-Awareness

Gestalt Therapy helps you tune into your internal experience. You become more aware of what you feel, why you feel it, and how it’s showing up in your body and behaviors. That clarity is often the first step toward lasting change.

2. Heals Through Integration

Instead of pushing parts of yourself away (the angry you, the fearful you, the hurt you), this approach encourages acceptance. It helps integrate all aspects of your experience, leading to emotional wholeness.

3. Encourages Personal Responsibility

You learn to recognize what you’re doing and how you’re doing it. This empowers you to take responsibility—not in a blameful way, but in a liberating one. It helps you stop outsourcing your power and start owning your choices.

4. Reduces Anxiety and Overthinking

By staying in the present moment, Gestalt Therapy helps you break free from spirals of worry about the future or regret about the past. You learn to be here now—and often, that’s all the healing you need.

5. Improves Communication and Relationships

With greater self-awareness comes clearer communication. You learn to say what you mean, express emotions authentically, and listen more openly—transforming how you relate to others.

6. The Here and now

Healing happens in the present moment. Gestalt therapy encourages clients to focus on their immediate experiences rather than getting lost in past narratives.

7.  The Whole Self

Gestalt therapy views individuals holistically, integrating thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations to create a complete picture of personal experience.

8. Dialogue and Experimentation

Therapists use creative techniques such as role-playing, guided imagery, and the famous “empty chair” exercise to help clients explore unresolved emotions.

Practical Applications of Gestalt Therapy

Gestalt therapy is applied in various settings, each tailored to the needs of individuals and groups:

• Individual Therapy – Clients work one-on-one with therapists to explore personal challenges, using techniques like role-playing and body awareness exercises.
• Group Therapy – Gestalt therapy fosters interpersonal awareness and communication, helping participants understand relational dynamics in a supportive environment.
• Corporate Coaching – Businesses use Gestalt principles to enhance leadership, team cohesion, and emotional intelligence, promoting a more engaged and self-aware workforce.

Therapists adapt Gestalt techniques to address anxiety, trauma, and relationship issues. For example, someone struggling with anxiety might be guided to focus on their bodily sensations, helping them ground themselves in the present rather than spiraling into future worries.

Ethical Considerations in Gestalt Therapy

Gestalt therapy involves deep emotional work, making ethical considerations essential for ensuring client safety and well-being.

Ensuring Emotional Safety

• Creating a Supportive Environment – Therapists establish trust and provide a safe space for clients to express emotions without fear of judgment.
• Monitoring Emotional Intensity – Some Gestalt techniques, like the empty chair exercise, can evoke strong emotions. Therapists carefully guide clients through these experiences, ensuring they don’t feel overwhelmed.
• Providing Aftercare – Clients may need additional support after intense sessions. Therapists offer grounding techniques and follow-up discussions to help them process their emotions.

Case Studies & Examples

To illustrate Gestalt therapy in action, consider the case of Maria, a woman struggling with self-acceptance and past trauma. Through Gestalt techniques, she engaged in the empty chair exercise, confronting unresolved emotions tied to her upbringing. This allowed her to process her feelings and take ownership of her personal growth.

Another example involves Komiko, who faced cultural and religious conflicts. Gestalt therapy helped her explore her identity through role-playing exercises, enabling her to assert her values while maintaining respect for her traditions.

Gestalt Therapy vs. CBT & Psychoanalysis

Gestalt therapy differs from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and psychoanalysis in several ways:

• Gestalt Therapy focuses on present-moment awareness and emotional integration.
• CBT emphasizes identifying and restructuring negative thought patterns.
• Psychoanalysis delves into unconscious conflicts and childhood experiences.

While CBT is structured and goal-oriented, Gestalt therapy is experiential, encouraging clients to engage with their emotions directly. Psychoanalysis, on the other hand, explores deep-seated issues over a longer period, whereas Gestalt therapy fosters immediate awareness and action.

Gestalt Therapy in Digital Platforms & AI-Assisted Coaching

The rise of digital therapy platforms and AI-assisted coaching is transforming how Gestalt therapy is delivered. AI-driven tools can enhance present-moment awareness by providing real-time feedback and personalized insights. Some innovations include:

• AI-Powered Self-Reflection Tools – AI-driven therapy assistants help individuals explore emotions and behavioral patterns, offering prompts that encourage deeper self-awareness.
• Virtual Gestalt Therapy Sessions – Online therapy platforms integrate Gestalt techniques, making therapy more accessible to those who may not have in-person options.
• Predictive Analytics for Emotional Patterns – AI can analyze behavioral trends, helping therapists tailor interventions based on a client’s emotional responses.

While AI cannot replace human therapists, it serves as a valuable supplement, enhancing engagement and providing structured guidance between sessions.

Gestalt Therapy in Leadership & Workplace Wellness

Gestalt therapy principles are increasingly being integrated into leadership training and workplace wellness programs. Organizations recognize that self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and present-moment focus are essential for effective leadership.

• Gestalt Coaching for Leaders – Gestalt coaching helps leaders refine their management styles, improve communication, and foster authentic leadership.
• Workplace Emotional Intelligence Programs – Companies use Gestalt techniques to enhance team dynamics, resilience, and interpersonal awareness.
• Gestalt-Based Organizational Development – Programs like the Gestalt Africa Leadership Programme focus on introspection, awareness, and systemic change to empower leaders and teams.

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How to Use Gestalt Therapy in Your Own Life

You don’t have to be in a therapy office to experience the magic of Gestalt.

Here are some powerful ways to apply its principles:

1. Practice “Here and Now” Awareness

Regularly ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What am I doing?

• What do I need?

This keeps you grounded in the present and reduces reactivity.

2. Use the Empty Chair Technique

One of Gestalt’s most famous tools, this involves placing an empty chair in front of you and imagining someone (or some part of yourself) sitting there. Speak to them openly. Then switch chairs and respond as if you were them. It’s weird. It’s powerful. It works.

3. Notice Body Sensations

Your body speaks before your brain catches up. Gestalt Therapy encourages you to notice where tension lives, how your posture reflects your mood, and what physical impulses are trying to tell you. Your body holds wisdom your words may not yet know.

4. Own Your Experience

Instead of saying, “You made me feel…” try “I felt…” This subtle shift changes everything. It empowers you to see emotions as yours to feel, own, and move through—not blame or project onto others.

5. Experiment with Role-Play and Dialogues

Feeling stuck in a conflict? Try acting out both sides of the situation. It helps bring unconscious dynamics to the surface and creates space for empathy and resolution.

6. Taking Responsibility

Instead of blaming external factors, clients learn to own their feelings and choices, empowering personal growth.

Expressive Techniques in Gestalt Therapy

Gestalt therapy encourages clients to express emotions fully rather than suppressing them. Some key techniques include:

• The Empty Chair Exercise – Clients engage in a dialogue with an imagined person or part of themselves, helping them process unresolved emotions.
• Exaggeration Technique – Clients amplify physical gestures or emotions to uncover deeper feelings.
• Creative Expression – Therapists may use art, movement, or dramatization to help clients externalize emotions.

Self-Exploration Exercises

Gestalt therapy fosters self-awareness through experiential exercises:

• Mindfulness & Body Awareness – Clients focus on physical sensations to connect with emotions.
• Role-Playing – Acting out different perspectives helps clients understand their emotions and behaviors.
• “I” Statements – Encouraging clients to speak in first-person helps them take ownership of their feelings.

Unfinished Business in Gestalt Therapy

Unfinished business refers to unresolved emotions from past experiences that continue to affect a person’s present life. Gestalt therapy helps clients process these emotions through:

• The Empty Chair Technique – Clients address unresolved conflicts by speaking to an imagined person.
• No-Send Letters – Writing letters to express unspoken thoughts and emotions.
• Catharsis & Emotional Release – Clients are encouraged to fully experience and process lingering emotions.

Problem-Solution Examples in Gestalt Therapy

Problem: Struggling with Unresolved Emotions

Example: A person feels lingering resentment toward a parent but avoids addressing it.

Solution: Empty chair technique, allowing the person to express their feelings as if speaking directly to the parent. This helps them process emotions and gain closure.

Problem: Anxiety and Overthinking

Example: A person constantly worries about the future, leading to stress and indecision.

Solution: Gestalt therapy encourages present-moment awareness, guiding the person to focus on bodily sensations and immediate experiences rather than hypothetical fears.

Problem: Difficulty Expressing Needs in Relationships

Example: A person struggles to communicate their boundaries, leading to frustration and resentment

Solution: The therapist uses role-playing exercises, helping the person practice assertive communication in a safe environment.

Problem: Feeling Disconnected from Oneself

Example: A person feels numb or detached from their emotions.

Solution: Gestalt therapy incorporates body awareness techniques, encouraging the person to notice physical sensations and reconnect with their emotions.

Problem: Repeating Negative Patterns

Example: A person keeps falling into toxic relationships but doesn’t understand why.

Solution: The therapist helps the person recognize unfinished business—past experiences influencing their present choices—and guides them toward breaking the cycle.

Problem: Feeling Stuck in Life Decisions

Example: A person struggles with indecision, feeling paralyzed by too many choices.

Solution: Experiential exercises, such as asking the person to physically act out different choices, helping them connect with their emotions and gain clarity.

Problem: Suppressed Anger or Frustration

Example: A person avoids expressing anger, leading to passive-aggressive behavior.

Solution: Gestalt therapy encourages expressive techniques, such as vocalizing emotions or engaging in movement exercises to release pent-up frustration.

Problem: Difficulty Processing Grief

Example: A person struggles to move forward after losing a loved one.

Solution: Unfinished business exercises, helping them express unspoken words and find emotional closure.

Problem: Self-Sabotage and Negative Self-Talk

Example: A person constantly criticizes themselves, undermining their confidence.

Solution: Gestalt therapy uses dialogue techniques, where the person speaks to their inner critic as if it were a separate entity, fostering self-compassion.

Problem: Struggling with Identity and Self-Perception

Example: A person feels disconnected from their true self, unsure of who they are.

Solution: Self-exploration exercises, such as mirroring techniques or guided imagery, helping the person reconnect with their authentic identity.

Common Challenges in Gestalt Therapy

While Gestalt therapy is highly effective, some clients struggle with certain aspects of the approach:

• Difficulty Embracing Personal Responsibility – Some individuals find it challenging to accept full ownership of their emotions and behaviors. They may feel more comfortable attributing their struggles to external circumstances rather than recognizing their role in shaping their experiences.
• Struggling to Stay Present – Many clients have difficulty remaining in the moment, especially if they are accustomed to overanalyzing the past or worrying about the future. This can make Gestalt techniques, which emphasize present-moment awareness, feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
• Resistance to Experiential Techniques – Gestalt therapy often involves exercises like role-playing or body awareness, which can feel intimidating or unnatural for some clients.

How Therapists Navigate Resistance

Gestalt therapists use various strategies to help clients engage with the process:

• Gradual Exposure – Instead of pushing clients into deep experiential exercises immediately, therapists introduce techniques slowly, allowing clients to build comfort over time.
• Encouraging Curiosity – Therapists frame exercises as opportunities for exploration rather than rigid tasks, helping clients approach them with openness rather than fear.
• Validating Discomfort – Resistance is a natural part of therapy. Gestalt therapists acknowledge and explore a client’s hesitation rather than dismissing it, helping them understand the root of their discomfort.

Examples in Movies & Literature

Gestalt therapy’s principles often appear in stories that explore self-discovery, emotional integration, and personal transformation.

Some notable examples include:

• “Good Will Hunting” (1997) – The therapy sessions between Will (Matt Damon) and Sean (Robin Williams) reflect Gestalt principles, particularly the focus on emotional presence and self-acceptance. Sean encourages Will to confront his emotions in the present rather than intellectualizing them.
• “Eat, Pray, Love” (2006) – Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey of self-discovery mirrors Gestalt therapy’s emphasis on experiential learning and embracing the present. She explores different aspects of herself through travel, mindfulness, and emotional awareness.
• “Inside Out” (2015) – This animated film beautifully illustrates Gestalt therapy’s concept of integrating emotions rather than suppressing them. Riley learns to embrace sadness as part of her emotional wholeness, reflecting Gestalt’s holistic approach to self-awareness.
• “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho – The protagonist’s journey aligns with Gestalt therapy’s focus on self-awareness and personal responsibility. He learns to trust his instincts and embrace the present moment rather than fearing uncertainty.

Famous Figures Who Embody Gestalt Principles

Several influential figures have demonstrated Gestalt therapy’s core values in their personal philosophies and leadership styles:

• Steve Jobs – His emphasis on intuition, present-moment focus, and personal responsibility aligns with Gestalt therapy’s approach to self-awareness and decision-making.
• Oprah Winfrey – Oprah’s advocacy for self-reflection, emotional integration, and personal growth mirrors Gestalt therapy’s principles. She encourages people to embrace their emotions and take ownership of their lives.
• Brené Brown – Her work on vulnerability and emotional authenticity resonates with Gestalt therapy’s focus on experiencing emotions fully rather than avoiding them.

Gestalt Self Exercises

To engage with Gestalt principles, try these exercises:

• Self-Reflection Prompt: Identify a recurring emotional pattern in your life. What sensations arise when you experience it? How can you take ownership of this feeling?
• Mindfulness Exercise: Sit in a quiet space and focus on your body. Notice any tension or discomfort. What emotions might be tied to these sensations?

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You Are Already Whole

Gestalt Therapy doesn’t “fix” you. It reminds you that you were never broken. It invites you to sit with yourself fully—your contradictions, your wounds, your brilliance—and to meet all of it with curiosity rather than judgment.

It teaches that healing isn’t found in escaping discomfort or rewriting the past. It’s found in turning toward the present moment and saying, “I am here. This is what’s true. And I can be with it.”

And sometimes, that’s all we need to come home to ourselves.

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Lesson 76: Nobody’s Watching: Why We Overestimate How Much Others Notice Us

Mind Games: Unpacking the Spotlight Effect, Anchoring Bias, and Self-Distancing Techniques and How They Shape Our Thinking

Ever walked into a room and felt like everyone was staring at you? Or agonized over a minor mistake, convinced that everyone would remember it forever? If so, you’ve experienced the Spotlight Effect—a cognitive bias that makes us overestimate how much others notice us. But that’s just one of the many mental shortcuts our brains take.

In the dynamic landscape of human thought, our minds often play tricks on us—amplifying social anxieties, skewing judgments, or clouding decision-making. Fortunately, understanding cognitive biases and psychological tools can help us navigate these mental quirks.

The Spotlight Effect: You’re Not the Center of Everyone’s Universe

The Spotlight Effect is the tendency to believe that people notice us much more than they actually do. This bias stems from our egocentric perspective—we are at the center of our own experiences, so we assume others see us the same way. In reality, people are far less attentive than we think because they’re often focused on themselves, caught up in their own spotlight effect.

Why It Happens

Psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Kenneth Savitsky first identified the Spotlight Effect in 2000. Their studies showed that people consistently overestimated how much others noticed their embarrassing moments, like wearing an odd t-shirt or making a mistake in public.

The reality? People are usually too absorbed in their own thoughts and worries to pay close attention to every detail of our actions. Our brains exaggerate the significance of our own experiences, making us feel like we’re on center stage when we’re likely not even part of the act.

How to Overcome the Spotlight Effect

1. Practice Perspective-Talking – Remind yourself that others are preoccupied with their own lives.
2. Look for Evidence – Ask yourself if there’s actual proof people are paying close attention or if its just your imagination.
3. Reality Check – Ask yourself, “Would I remember if someone else did this?” The answer is usually no.
4. Shift Focus – Instead of worrying about others’ opinions, redirect your attention to your goals and actions.
5. Self-Compassion – Accept that mistakes are normal and that people forget them quickly.
6. Laugh it Off – Embrace imperfection – its what makes us human.

Anchoring & Adjustment: How First Impressions Influence Decisions

First impressions aren’t just social—they shape decisions too. The anchoring effect is a cognitive bias where we rely too heavily on the first piece of information we encounter (the “anchor”) when making judgments. Even when we try to adjust our assessments, we rarely move far enough away from that anchor.

How Anchoring Works

• Pricing in Shopping: If a jacket is originally priced at $300 but is now on sale for $150, it seems like a great deal—even if $150 is still expensive.
• Salary Negotiations: The first offer in a salary discussion often sets the tone for the rest of the negotiation.
• Judgments & Estimations: If someone asks, “Do you think this car is worth $40,000?” your estimate will be biased by that number, even if the car is actually worth much less.

How to Avoid Anchoring Bias

1. Be Aware of Initial Information – Recognize when an anchor is influencing your decision. Take time to process information before making a decision.
2. Do Your Own Research – Gather independent data before forming an opinion.
3. Consider Multiple Perspectives – Ask yourself, “Would I make the same decision without this starting point?”
4. Focus on Facts [ Evaluate decisions based on logic, not just first impressions.

Self-Distancing: Gaining Clarity and Reducing Emotional Bias

When emotions run high or tough decisions loom, it’s easy to lose perspective. Self-distancing techniques involve stepping back mentally, allowing us to see a situation more objectively. Think of it as giving yourself wise, outsider advice instead of being swept up in the storm. It’s particularly useful for managing emotions, reducing anxiety, and making better decisions.

How Self-Distancing Works

Instead of getting caught up in negative thoughts, self-distancing allows you to see problems from an outside perspective. There are several ways to practice it:

• Third-Person Thinking: Instead of saying, “Why am I so stressed about this?” reframe it as, “Why is [your name] feeling stressed about this?” Studies show that referring to yourself in the third person reduces emotional intensity.
• Temporal Distancing: Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week, a month, or a year?” This helps put problems into perspective.
• Imaginary Advice: Think about what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. Often, we are kinder and more rational when advising others than when dealing with our own problems.
• Write it Out: Journaling can help clarify thoughts and untangle emotions.

Benefits of Self-Distancing

• Better Emotional Regulation: Helps prevent overreacting to stressful situations.
• Improved Decision-Making: Encourages logical thinking over impulsive reactions.
• Reduced Rumination: Stops repetitive negative thoughts by shifting perspective.

Bringing It All Together

From overthinking how others see us to falling into cognitive traps or struggling to manage emotions, these mental tendencies can feel overwhelming. But the good news is that awareness is the first step toward change.

By recognizing the spotlight effect, you can ease unnecessary self-consciousness. By counteracting anchoring bias, you can make more grounded decisions. And by embracing self-distancing, you can navigate life’s challenges with a clearer, calmer mindset.

By understanding these biases and actively working to counteract them, we can:

• Feel less self-conscious and anxious in social situations.
• Make better, more rational decisions.
• Manage emotions and stress more effectively.

The next time you catch yourself worrying about what others think, making a rushed decision based on an initial number, or getting overwhelmed by emotions, take a step back. These simple mental shifts can make a big difference.

So, the next time your brain tries to play tricks on you, remember—you have the tools to outsmart it. Start small, stay curious, and take control of your mental narrative. You’ve got this!

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Lesson 10: The Fifth Agreement – Embrace Skepticism and Listen with an Open Heart

According to Don Miguel Ruiz, when we were born, we were born innocent, unique and perfect. We spoke truthfully and were present and unafraid. We trusted and loved ourselves unconditionally. Before we could speak, we made sounds and then learnt a language to communicate a message, which turned into symbols that we invented for ourselves. This is when life was simple, before you attached any meanings or emotions to these symbols.

Through practice and repetition, we learnt to speak. Our parents, siblings, family and society taught us what they knew, they programmed us with their knowledge. We were punished when we were bad and rewarded when we were good. We adopted a fear of being punished and not getting rewarded that created a habit of trying to please other people. We didn’t get the opportunity to choose our beliefs for ourselves. After learning everything we could from our environment, we finally mastered the language to talk to ourselves in our head, this is when we learn to think. This voice in our head is the “voice of knowledge”, and we hear many voices, our fathers, mothers and teachers. This voice is our creation, it isn’t real. We believe it’s real as we have given this voice power, and we start believing this voice, this is when other opinions start taking over our minds. Our opinions of ourselves are based on the opinion of others. Other people tell us what we are, and we believe them. As soon as we agree with these opinions, this becomes our belief system. All these opinions modify our behavior, and we create our image, “I am ugly, I am fat, I am pretty, or I am clever”. Society dictates that we need to be a certain way to be accepted. Then we start pretending to be someone we are not. The fear of rejection and not being good enough steers us in a direction of looking for perfection. We form a perfect image of our perfect selves and begin to judge ourselves on that. We keep searching for this perfection. The truth is that we are all perfect. We believe we are not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough or not clever enough for ourselves. This is when our symbols start going against ourselves and we use these symbols to reject ourselves. We then start searching for what we have lost, for freedom, peace of mind, for happiness, for ourselves.

Ruiz explains that “We master a language of symbology, and it is only the truth because we agree, not because it’s really the truth, if we don’t agree, the symbols are meaningless”. Symbols don’t have meaning, we give meaning to these symbols, symbols are to understand each other, it doesn’t mean we have to believe these symbols. We interpret symbols, this interpretation is a reflection of the truth. Our minds are a virtual reality which isn’t real, we can be our own personal heaven or hell. Awareness of the truth makes all the difference to lead us to self-mastery. Self-mastery returns us to our true nature of love and happiness and guides us away from suffering.

The Five Agreements are a set of principles designed to help individuals achieve personal freedom and happiness by breaking free from limited beliefs and self-imposed restrictions.

FIRST AGREEMENT

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Ruiz suggests that your life is a story you created by messages about everything you perceived. “Who is talking in your head?” If you are talking in your head, who is listening? When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Do you judge yourself? Is it really true that you are too skinny or too pretty?  These judgements are just an opinion you have of yourself that you learnt from society.  Do you believe in these lies, is it real or virtual?  “What do you believe you are?” The real you is the truth, you are unique and its beyond anything you know. There is no right or wrong answer, we believe in what we have been taught. The symbol of language is the power of the word. The word is what we use to create everything we know, the word is you, the messenger. ” The word is all about the message you deliver, not just to everyone and everything around you, but the message you deliver to yourself”. You determine your happiness, and it depends on how you use the word. Never use the power of the word against yourself, never betray yourself. An incredibly beautiful life can be your story, if you use the words for truth to love yourself. Avoid using words to harm others or yourself. Use your words to uplift and spread positivity.

SECOND AGREEMENT

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Ruiz states the power of our imagination takes us to many different places, we hear, see and feel things no one else’s can hear, see or feel. Your story changes every time you talk about it. Our story changes depending on who we are talking to, our beliefs, our physical and emotional state.

Imagine you are in a movie theatre, and the movie you are watching is a movie about yourself. The only other person in the theatre is the person in front of you, who does not notice you. The person in front of you, is you. The main character in the movie is just the way you believe you are. You recognize the secondary characters, your family, teachers, friends and they are too exactly what you believe they are. After the movie, you go into the theatre next door and watch another movie.  You sit next to a person watching the movie and they don’t recognize that you are there. You again recognize all the characters, but you are now the secondary character. The lady next to you is your mother and she is watching her own story of her life. You start to realize that your mother is not the same person who was in your movie, her projection of herself is completely different in her movie to yours. This is the way your mother perceives herself. You also realize that your character is also not the same person who was in your movie. This again is how you mother perceives you. All the other characters are also perceived by your mom differently to how you perceive them. You then go and watch a few more movies, this time of your father, children, siblings and grandparents.  All their movies have also distorted all the characters. After seeing all these movies, you return to the first theatre to review your story again. You start to question your believes and realize that all this acting you have been doing to please other people has been done for nothing.  Nobody perceived you the way you wanted them to perceive you. No one has paid attention to your story, your dreams, inspirations and happiness, they have all focused their attention to their own story and movie. No one has noticed you sitting next to them in the theatre, and their movie is the only reality they live in, they don’t even notice their own presence.

Everything should now change for you; people live in their own story which is the truth for them.  “Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you”. The question is, do we really know these people, and do they really know us? The truth is that you don’t know what is going on in their story, how they are feeling or what they are thinking? You have been acting so long to be what you are not that you thought you knew and understood yourself too. You have a different personality around different people and then you argue that people don’t understand you! How can people understand you if you don’t understand yourself. People say things that are in conflict with what you believe, and you get hurt, upset, angry, you fight and both of you try and defend your positions. We take everything personally. “You don’t have to concern yourself with other people’s points of view. Once you can see that nothing others say or do is about you, it doesn’t matter who gossips about you, who blames you, who rejects you or who disagrees with your point of view. Whatever people say doesn’t affect you because you are immune to their opinions and their emotional poison”. Don’t take everything so personally. You now have freedom because you don’t have to live your life now according to other people’s opinions. “The only person who needs to be concerned about the story of you is you”.

THE THIRD AGREEMENT

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Ruiz explains the real conflict is between the lies. The truth doesn’t need to prove itself. Lies exist because we create them, and they survive because we believe them. Lies are not real, they are our own creation. This is how the word is distorted. We can see a car; the car is made of metal and other materials. We deliver the word to ourselves and the world around us that “This car is an ugly car; I hate this type of car”. We add by saying that “This car is dangerous”. We then start thinking that if people drive this dangerous car, they will get into an accident and hurt themselves. Then we create a law against this car that no one must buy this car or drive it. The word spreads and all of a sudden people are afraid and having nightmares. The car is only an object, it exists and that is the only truth. The story we created with our words is not true, this is a lie. Lies limited our lives. “If we don’t have the awareness to see this truth, it is because we are blinded by the lie. Our body is completely loyal to us, but we judge our body and abuse our body; we treat it as if it’s the enemy when it’s our ally. Making assumptions is just looking for trouble, because most assumptions are not the truth.” We make all sorts of assumptions; your child tells you that they are going away and will send you a message when they arrive at the hotel. When you don’t hear from them, you start making assumptions that they lied to you or that they could have been in an accident. You then start preparing your speech or consider calling the police. Just as you are about to pick up the phone, it rings and it’s your child telling you that they are there happy and safe. You ended up torturing yourself for nothing. We think too much, we over think, if we just stopped thinking, this would stop us from making assumptions and we would stop trying to explain everything to ourselves.

THE FOUTH AGREEMENT

ALWAYS TO YOUR BEST

Ruiz claims that awareness is the most important thing, you cannot change if you are not aware. If we practice repetition this causes change.  “If you practice being impeccable with our word, if you don’t take anything personally, if you don’t make assumptions, you are going to break thousands of agreements that keep you trapped in hell. Very soon, what you agree to believe will become the choice of your authentic self, or the choice of the image of yourself that you thought you were.”  All our lives we practice believing the voices in our head, this might be difficult to change, but the fourth law is to always try your best and give 100 percent. Your habits are strong and firmly rooted in your mind, this doesn’t mean that you will always be impeccable with your word, it just means to do your best every day. If you fail, just try again, keep practicing, if you keep taking action, things are going to get easier and things are going to happen. Once you are aware of your story, you have the power to change it whenever you choose. Start putting yourself first, start accepting yourself, love yourself unconditionally.

THE FIFTH AGREEMENT

BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN

On the basis of Ruiz, if you learn to listen, you start to understand other people’s stories, be skeptical of their story, you don’t have to believe it.  “Be skeptical is masterful because it uses the power of doubt to discern the truth.” Everybody lies, it’s not that we want to, it’s because of what we believe. You can react or not react, you can agree or disagree with what they say, and that depends on what you want. People who try and avoid their own story, their words in their head, they tend to overeat, take drugs, abuse alcohol and become addicted to other substances and behaviors. If you are skeptical, if you don’t believe yourself, if you don’t believe anybody else, then none of these opinions can disturb you or throw you off center. When you have control over your own symbology, you are always centered, you are always relaxed and calm, because the real you make’s the choices in your life, not the symbols.” If you listen, symbols lose their value and the only thing that remains is the truth.

Judgement, guilt and punishment are emotions generated by fear, fear of the truth is the biggest fear in the world. Whatever happened in your past is no longer the truth, right now is the only truth. For every action, there is a reaction. We or others make mistakes, and we punish ourselves over and over again for that same mistake. This leads to self-judgement which leads to guilt and shame. True justice is to pay for that mistake once. The last judgement is the last time we judge ourselves or others, that we accept ourselves and others for who we are. The war in our head is over and we are one at peace. This is the day we are no longer afraid to be alive. The only thing in the end that dies are the lies.

“In ancient Egypt, it was said: if your heart is lighter than a feather when you die, then welcome to heaven. If you heart if heavier than a feather, you are not going to heaven. How heavy are your lies? Is your heart burdened with anger, fear, guilt or regret?” Ruiz Says “The truth is I don’t know what I am. The only thing I know is that I am. I’m alive, and you can touch me. I’m dreaming, and I’m aware that I’m dreaming. Aside from that, nothing else is important, because everything is a story. When you leave symbols aside, what remains is the bare truth, pure and simple. When you are not possessed by symbology, you recover the presence you had when you were born. There is nothing to search for, its already here. Everything is within you. You don’t have to search for heaven; you are heaven right now. You don’t have to search for happiness; you are happiness wherever you are. You don’t have to search for the truth; you are the truth. You don’t have to search for perfection. Thats an illusion. You don’t have to search for yourself; you never left yourself. You’ll know that you are totally free when you no longer have to be the you that you pretend to be. When you get to self-mastery, you get to a place where there is no judgement or a victim. The real you is your presence, and it’s as beautiful and wonderful as anything on this earth.” You are always delivering a message, before you were born, your message was there. Your birth was a miracle, you delivered a message right away with no words, they felt your presence, the message was you and is still you. Are you still blaming everyone for your problems? Did someone hurt you? If they did, it wasn’t personal, it was due to their own fears and beliefs. If they hurt you, it was because they were hurt too.

“Now a simple question, I want you to understand the question, but don’t allow that voice in your head to answer the question. Just allow these words to go directly into your heart, where you can feel the meaning and intent behind the words. What kind of messenger are you? Do you deliver the truth?”

In conclusion, Ruiz ends by saying “Help me change the world. The change begins with you. When you change, your children change. When you are happy, the people around you are happy. Our messages are our legacy. We know that sooner or later our physical bodies will no longer exist. We only have a few sunrises, a few sunsets, a few full moons that we can enjoy. This is our time to be alive, to be fully present, to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy one another.”

Read Don Miguels Ruiz Book The Fifth Agreement 

 

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Don Miguels Ruiz – The Fifth Agreement